Ch Ch Ch Changes

We are seeing some changes around here. One is Patches. For the last 3 days she has been amazing. I woke to her doing her chore the other day. I was scared. Then she volunteered to clean out the laundry room. Several hours later, I went to find her and was shocked that she had indeed cleaned and organized the entire thing. She did struggle a bit yesterday but pulled it together before damaging anything. We are still waiting for paperwork to come through for RTC. We hit a snag bc the pdoc we use left the office we work with without notice.

Ava is acting sneaky and mean lately. It is an annoying resurface of the old Ava. She is instigating trouble, hurting people's feelings for sport, and crying on cue. I think the stress of being the end of the year and moving is getting to her. I'm confident she will pull it together before I'm forced to bury her under the sandbox.

The move...I have tremendous guilt about moving again. I hate it for the kids. It's so hard on all of us. When you rent, you don't have a lot of choices. Now we will own. I can't believe it's happening. We asked for and received a Tax Advocate a couple of weeks ago that pushed our adoption credit through so we could get moved quickly. It's all been approved and now we wait for the check to be cut. Now we have a real estate agent and are looking for the right property. We will be paying cash for it and will be working our asses off to make it ours. This will change our lives. Literally. No mortgage? Who wouldn't love that?

We are making some room changes and security upgrades at the new house. The kids are excited about completely redoing their rooms. We are hoping to give Cyr her own room that she will set up like an apartment. She wants a futon instead of a bed so she can entertain her girl friends. If not, she will share with Ruthie and Emma. The twins want to switch to a twin over a full bed bunk so Kiki can be on top and the twins will have a big bed to share. They currently have a triple bunk but refuse to sleep separately so Ava's bed is always empty. The biggest change is not politically correct and may have many folks questioning my sanity. After much consideration, we have decided Patches and Michael will share a room, if he is ever able to return safely. We found so many good reasons to do this while the only negative thing is that they are a boy and girl, technically. They both are so much a like, in good ways. They have the same interests and issues. Patches is the safest child I know regarding personal boundaries. In other words, she hates to be touched, hugged, or even brushed up against. She can and will model good personal space. She can't allow anyone to break a rule without calling them on it. I mean the tiniest of infractions must be addressed. They both have difficult times at night with waking and hallucinations so they can comfort each other. They both enjoy the smell the of urine and need rooms decorated minimally. They are excited by this option. Since they have such high needs, they will have a camera in the room and motion detector outside of it. They will be able to share a bathroom without any worries other than the filthiness of it. It's a win-win.

Now we just need to find the house to fill our dreams with.

It's that time again. For the last 2 years I have vacationed with my fellow trauma mamas in Orlando. It is the most amazing thing I have ever done for myself. OK, it may be the only thing I've ever done for myself. If you relate to my life, you need to go. If not this year, next. Registration is happening this week. It's worth every penny. It changed my life in so many ways. The most amazing mothers are there and ready to welcome you. You will fit in. Go check it out. http://etaam2013.blogspot.com/

It's the last day of school here. Emma is graduating from the 5th grade. I will be joined at her graduation by the twins, Cyr, Kiki, Ruthie, my MIL, her other Mom, her other Nana, Poppy, and 2 of her other sisters. I say other to clarify to you. In our lives we rarely say bio, birth, first, other, or any of the numerous words to describe our extended family. They belong to all of us. We love them all through the good and bad. Emma was up about an hour early this morning. She couldn't sleep. Her anxiety was getting the best of her. She decided to shower and start her day. When she got out, I got up and painted her hands and feet with a new pretty pink. I fixed her hair and added a tiny bit of makeup to her face. She was so beautiful. I can still see the chubby little toddler in her almost grown up face. I love this child so much it makes my chest ache. I'm a little pissed she insists on growing up though. I'd like nothing less than to smush her into my lap forever. My little baby. My only one. Everyone else was walking and most were talking. Watching them grow up is so rewarding and sad at the same time. If 5th grade graduation is this hard, how the hell are going to give them away when they get married?????

Best Mother's Day so far. I did say the f word before getting out of bed but Patches quietly went to her room stunned. Later she returned announcing that her meds had kicked in and she was ready to start the day over. We laid around and watched sappy movies and ate leftovers. I was thrilled to be drama free. I just had my birthday last week and the juvenile system scheduled Patches to see a judge in celebration. It was a waste of time. "You better stop hitting your Mom or I will have to think about detention or committing you to the state. How do you plan on stopping?" Patches stood and promised to use her coping skills. The judge seemed pleased with himself and nodded at me. I almost laughed. Seriously. It was stupid. We are pursuing residential treatment for her. I'm tired of being her punching bag and the kids are tired of her being in control of our family. Cyr has decided to try homeschooling. We have a great program here that is a virtual public school. She can earn her high school diploma and an associates degree at the same time. I think I may have to pull Ruthie from school and try it with her, too. She is really struggling. Both girls are pretty emotional lately. Ruthie is as close to a basket case as they come. Days in bed from depression and somatic symptoms. I was so glad the aggression stopped but this isn't good either. We are getting her started with play therapy and EMDR to help her cope a little better. It breaks my heart to watch her lay here and cry. We have increased her meds the last 3 months and took a break this month to see if she leveled out. I would say no. When she isn't crying, she is flat. She is working through feelings of guilt and and remorse for her past actions. I wish a band aid would help. She is one tough cookie. I know she will continue to work hard and get through this, too. Y'all just hide and watch.

Screw You, We Are Outta Here!

It's been 2 months since I've posted. A lot has changed. A lot more is coming. I want to post. I worry now about how tings will be taken and how I should write it and then I give up. I hate that our county not only took our daughter's siblings from us and lied to cover up their mistakes but also took this from me. Even though they violated my civil rights and drug me through the mud, they didn't pay, I did. It's not fair and I'm bitter. Every decision we make, we have to worry about how they will twist it. Twist it is exactly what they do. Even their own investigator warned us we were never going to be free from them and that it seemed to her there was some sort of weird thing going on without any real reason for it.

We've made the difficult decision to leave this county. This means moving an hour away from my favorite sister and her beloved family. I am heartbroken. It is the only choice we can see to keep our family safe. Once this choice was made, we had to figure out what areas to consider. For me, it was a no brainer. My hubby was a little slower to catch on. Now that the kids are so much healthier, we are craving socialization. I think they can handle it and they have managed beautifully every time we have tried. We want to be near our old stomping grounds and reconnect with old friends. The most important thing to me is to be near my amazing MIL. She has given so much of herself to our children, we will be honored to help her as much as she will allow us during her illness. If we had our way, we kidnap her and keep her for our own. All we have to do now is wait for our adoption credit to come back from the IRS. It will change our lives by allowing us to pay cash for a foreclosed property. No rent or mortgage. Just take a moment and imagine it.

I've mentioned a lot has happened. It has. Michael came and left. He made it 3 months at home before requiring residential again. We saw progress then his pdoc said some nasty things to him about how we should disrupt him and that our current safety plan couldn't be maintained. She wanted it in writing that she was against him being in our home bc he will never change. He tried to hang himself. He is 11. One thing led to another and he was allowed to be alone with another sexually reactive child while at a the psych hospital. I'm sure you can guess what happened. He was safer in our home than in a hospital. He is taking responsibility for his actions. I wish the adults in his life would do the same.

Cyr just turned 16 this week. I can't believe it. I am taking her to get her learners license today or tomorrow. Watch out world, here comes my girl. We are watching her bloom lately. She is socializing and having fun with friends. She has decided to do high school online next year. I have some reservations but she really wants it. If anyone can do it, it's her.

Patches is amazing. Don't tell her though. Every time I tell someone about how well she is doing, she becomes a lunatic for a day. She is allowing me to rub her back and even initiates hugs! She has even been able to let me correct her behavior without attacking me verbally. She did require a short hospital stay after an arrest and fingerprinting but we saw remorse and guilt afterwards. She is even developing empathy. We see genuine smiles and giggles every day. Even the little girls have noticed. I think the most shocking is how she adjusted her reactions to help Ruthie on Easter. She realized she was struggling and tried to help her. Seriously, first time she has ever tried to help a sibling other than Kiki. Big steps for her!

Ruthie lost her crap on Easter. She was and is doing very well. She just had a difficult day. She ended up hiding with scissors and cutting off the tips of her fingers while she was upset. She took her self harming behaviors to another level. We were in the middle of a major med change and I fully blame that for her actions. We saw her anxiety go through the roof a couple of months ago and knew something had to change. I hate med changes bc it's so hard on them. We had also been documenting a lot of paranoia, hallucinations, and delusions. She seemed to be living in her own world and just visiting us. She thought a lot of things were happening that were not. She didn't believe me when I tried to prove it. She has us all very concerned. We are waiting to get some intense services in place for her very soon. It is so much easier to deal with the mental illness without the anger and aggression. She seems to be heading towards the dx of Schizophrenia, too.

Ella is really gaining some confidence. She spoke to her teacher for the first time this school year just a few weeks ago. She is also teasing her twin about being Twin B in a loving and funny way. She has mouthed off to me for the first time. Huge for her. I clapped and cheered when she mumbled under her breath. She was a bit surprised. She has always been in victim mode and to see her step outside of that roll, is fun to watch. I'm hoping it doesn't bite me in the ass later. LOL

Ava is weepy again. I don't think she knows why and I'm clueless. I'm hoping this is just hormones. I have a feeling she is worried about losing her brother forever.

Emma is still struggling with her anxiety. It's on all our nerves. Our once very independent little girl can't spend the night away from us. She calls me a million times while she is trying to stay over. She is back to sleeping on my floor several times a week. Somatic symptoms are about to drive us all crazy. I can't even imagine how hard it is for her.

Kiki is her normal self. Mouthy, funny, smart, and bossy. We love her in spite of it. She just came over and washed my feet while I've been posting. She went on and on about how nasty my feet are. I looked down and commented on the lack of dirt on the wipe. She snapped, "If you could see what I see, you'd gag, too." This from a child that still screams for me to wipe her butt after she poops.

Thanks to all of you that have been emailing, we are all fine. Better than fine. Great!

My Safety

More often than not, therapy is used to document the things the kids and I are talking about or working through at home. My kids rarely confide in their therapist or even have meaningful conversations with them before shutting down. They will share more, if I bring up what we've already been talking about, but barely. It's not the therapist. It's my kids. They do not trust. What I love about the therapists we have used and our new one is they get that. They push but in the end, they use me and that builds the bond between my children and I. OK, slowly but still work is being done. LOL

Currently, we are adding services and professionals to our home. We are quite full and that itself can cause stress. It seems the topic lately is my safety. I know I have things under control but the kids are worried I will be hurt. There is quite a bit of anxiety about it floating around. We only have one that is raging and to me, they are so much better than previous years. I think my kids forgot what it used to be like here about 5 years ago. It was nearly every hour of every day. Now it's twice a week. Progress, I say. Not so clear to my kids.

Parenting children with such high needs is hard on all of us. Sometimes, I need to stop and think about how this is affecting the rest of my kids. I can't not parent the tough ones. They need to be loved and safe, too. I need to step up my game and show them I have it under control. I thought I was. As they grow up, they are getting so much smarter. We have always addressed their safety in this life but now I really need to focus more on making them feel I'm safe and how I look to the other kids. They know all the safety measures we take. I think it is just the physical aggression that worries them. No one should see their parents being abused. I have tried to explain that to the child doing the abusing and it seems to be sinking in.

I've decided to help Cyr deal with her anger and anxiety about their behaviors and my safety by attending a local support group through NAMI for caregivers and families. She is really having a hard time finding patience and empathy for them. She suffered "worse" abuse, in her mind, and she can't understand why they aren't moving on. The whole mental illness and cognitive delays shouldn't matter, according to her. I have tried until I'm blue to explain but she can't move past it. I'm hoping this will help her. Seeing other families and knowing she is not alone in this may.

Watching Parenthood last night brought me to tears. OK, I sobbed like a baby for about 5 minutes. There is a little boy on there with Aspergers and they talk a lot about how they help him. All services, therapies, money they spend on them, extra time they have to put into his care, and his daily struggles. The do a really good job of showing how much more it takes to parent a child with special needs. Socialization is a big issue for him and fitting in. Last night, he refused to participate in PE at school. He ended up using his disability to get out of it and they were worried about it. By sitting on the sidelines, he began talking to a child in a wheelchair. The next scene, is him telling his parents a child is in their driveway that he knows from from school. They are shocked, he has never had a friend over and were not aware this friend was even invited. When they opened the door, the boy rolled in and his parents began nervously explaining they were so glad he was invited. They apologized that they had to give them a list of a few things they needed to be aware of while he was there, that he had special needs. Then they admitted this was the first time he had been to a friends house, in fact, this was his first friend. Knowing it was a first for both and the huge deal it was, I bawled.

I have children that have never had a single friend. They do not know a single classmates' name. I wonder if they ever will. It is heartbreaking but they do not even seem to notice they are different in that way. As a mother, you hope you child is liked and accepted. When this doesn't happen, it hurts you. It makes you worry about their future. All we can do is keep trying for them and with them. Maybe one day, a friend from school will show up at our door, too.

I need to brag. Actually, I need to write this down for the bad days. I need to come back and remember that he had such an amazing day. Michael had the best day yesterday. He had a small fit, didn't do his chore, and pretended he didn't have any homework to do. All irritating things. Are you ready for the best part? He accepted responsibility for his actions several times. He put into action advice I gave him twice without prompting. He apologized, sincerely. He washed his hair and smelled nice after his shower. He wore underwear without being told. He picked up dog puke and asked if he could scrub the carpet. He locked the bathroom door. He maintained personal space without being reminded. He helped his little sister. He let go of a toy in the middle of a struggle and let her win. He waited his turn. He complimented his sisters on their new hair do. He thanked me for cutting his hair and accepted compliments from us. He stayed where he was supposed to stay all day. These are all huge issues for him. He rarely does ANY of those things and has never done more than one in a week. It was a day of miracles for him. No one else noticed. I did and it will keep me going for a long time. If he can do it for a day, he can do it for two. Probably not two in a row, maybe not two in my lifetime, but I can dream, right?

You know your kid has RAD when.....you get a whiff of his hair and you puke. Seriously, he showers every night and still comes out smelling like a wet dog. He always manages to find time to use deodorant and still stick to high Heaven. It takes real effort to smell like he does. He puts a lot of energy into it. He alternates between smelling like he just shit his pants to greasy wet dog. He can make it as hard as he wants to, I'm still going to love him. I may not snuggle on a full stomach but love him from across the room, I will.

Scheduled Tantrums

My son is beginning to use me to regulate himself again. This is NOT my job. I try very hard to find ways to help him actually use the coping skills he can spout out at me. It isn't working. He is too angry then and I am always his focus when he gets angry. We are going to try scheduling tantrums every day for just a minute or so. He can scream and stomp about anything he wants to but I will try to help him focus on his past hurts. This way he can get some of it out instead of looking for reasons to blame me for something and attack me or sabatoge himself.

He went nuts yesterday after his teacher allowed him to print out a picture of Chucky and bring it home. If you just consider his age, it is inappropriate but if you consider him, it's absolutely ridiculous. He was testing them and they failed. He came home and screamed and yelled at me about anything and every thing. Eventually, I pulled out the video camera. He used to fall to the floor limp at the very sight of a camera. Not anymore. He ran like a crazy person around the table throwing everything on the floor. I had to stop when he ran at me and began hitting me with both fists over and over and over. It gave the therapist a good idea of how little control we have to help calm him. All we can do in manage him.